Finding Erykah

Our apartment situation went from bad to worse. There were already major security and maintaince problems and we heard there was a bedbug infestation. And though I was spraying, steaming and laundering those little bastards found their way into our beds. Covered in bites and with both of us psychologically freaked out, I decided to run for cover.

I reported the bugs to the manager who didnt seem to care how bad or urgent the situation was. After speaking to other neighbors in the building, I found out that this was an ongoing problem that the building was not dealing with for over a year. The manager basically handed me some powder and said they were holding a board meeting to decide which pesticide company they would use and that they werent going to spray for a couple of weeks. On top of all of that, the laundry machines were all broken down because the entire building is doing laundry in a effort to battle the bugs.

The kidlet’s godfather took pity on us and let us stay here in the burbs so we could get some sleep. The whole situation has been extremely stressful and I have a lot to do in the next few weeks. We are essentially without our own home and we cant take any of our stuff with us. We have the bare necessties and I’m only going back to the apartment one more time to put my stuff in storage. Honestly these little creatures are highly transmittable and I wouldnt wish them on my worst enemy.

Trying to find an affordable apartment in Toronto is next to impossible. If you want to avoid drunks and drug addicts, cockroaches and bedbugs, you really have to pay a lot more for that added security. I’ve decided to make this burb here our new home since it is on the train line and an easy commute to the city.

My interview for the community researcher position is supposed to be happening in the next week or two and I’ll have to bring the kidlet to school by train every day. It’s alot to deal with overall and I do feel bad for being an uexpected houseguest, but there’s nothing more important than having a safe place to sleep and sanity.

There is no ‘war on terror’. Your brothers and sisters are dying overseas for a cause that has nothing to do with democracy or human rights. 93 percent of the world’s opium comes from Afghanistan and under NATO and American occupation, Afghanistan is producing more opium then ever before in history. Sales have gone up 4500 %. People on the ground have two enemies. Bombs falling from the sky and fundamentalist warlords and druglords running local and national government. The human rights and womens rights situation has actually worsened in the last seven years. “To kill a woman is to kill a bird” and rape and violence against women and children is a daily occurence.

The war on terror is about causing chaos, dividing nations and making off with billions in cold hard cash. Blood money. North americans truly believe we are under serious threat from terrorism, without realizing that 9-11 was an inside job. Whilst the death tolls rise and chaos reigns, the Afghan people both Taliban and ordinary citizen will rise up. And when they do, news media will tell us that terrorism has gotten worse and so they must perpetuate the war. All of the discontent in the middle east has to do with creating another Union and controlling the opium and oil.Africa is no different. Obama’s military budget was the largest ever in US history. And the 38 billion in aid to afghanistan somehow is not getting to where it needs to go. Afghanistan ranks 181 out of 182 on the worst places to live in the world.

The world is slowly being divided up into global regions called Unions. The global dollar should be a signal to everyone that your local currency will be gone in just a few short years. If you think h1n1 is just a common flu pandemic think again. It isnt.  You are being taught by the news to fear, everything from the air you breathe to the food you eat. Our minds are under a psychological assault. The goal is to make you so against terrorists, so afraid of viruses that you will slowly give up your civil liberties just for a little peace. Out of this fear you will feel there is no one else to trust. you believe the woman on tv really kidnapped her own child(?). you believe the media and law enforcement when they tell you they had to taser and kill someone, you accept that using MRAD is an acceptable way to control a crowd. Out of your trust and belief you listen to what leaders and journalists tell you, and you support them blindly without ever knowing the kind of hell they’ve unleashed.

I often wonder why people cant see through the bullshit that is being tossed around on a daily basis. I guess it could be because of 30 years of marketing and advertising and brainwashing from public schooling. I have yet to see a more selfish and barbaric time then now.  A new system is immerging out of this chaos, this so called peaceful system that will restore sanity. What you believe about what is happening around the world largely depends on your class and level of education. I find the more status you have, the more brainwashed. Unless you have experienced any of these situations in real life (and most of us havent) it’s easier to believe the shit you’re told on tv or your favorite politician/newsanchor/tv personality/program that really agrees with your ideologies and speaks to your individual’ness’.

People are living in fear and denial and do not realize what is coming. While people fight over red and blue, black and white, anti this and pro that, the system is chugging along. There is no pandemic. There is no terrorist threat to North America. This is what they want you to believe. The world has enough resources to solve the capitalist corporate problems it has inflicted on us collectively and individually. We need not switch to socialism or extreme right wing politics. We need only enough people to wake up from their slumber and to unite.

Every single person in history who had the ability to mobolize masses of people was murdered. People who speak the truth are labeled conspiracy theorists, crazy, liars, sinners and the ones who pose a real threat are exiled, silenced or killed. MLK didnt get murdered over civil rights. He was murdered because he dared to challenge the capitalist system that was causing millions of americans to live in poverty. What the world needs is balance. It needs to return to common sense and real solutions. Dont give up your liberty by just agreeing with what youre told on the news or in the papers. They are owned by the conglumerates who control the information.

The poor are being driven out of the cities, the middle class are becoming the poor, and the only people who cant see this are people who have status and real power. How ironic that people with so much education, opportunity and wealth cannot even fathom what losing their freedom will entail. These people believe in the system. Because the system never hurts them. Professionals truly believe in collateral damage. The needs of the many outweigh the few. But what happens when the few end up being several hundred million?

What you believe has the power to change the world. Be careful of what you stand for. Be wise and start to ask the right questions. Do you trust your government? By the time they are finished the world will be depopulated and the one world government will prevail. Don’t let sovreignty die.

It is this division that is breaking down the world. We have more in common then most would like to admit. I believe when people finally see the truth, they will wake up and stop supporting wars, pandemics, greedy corporations, corrupt governments, human trafficking disguised as adoption and start supporting  REAL democracy. it wont be until the world is on its knees will people even begin to fight back. the second and third wave? virus mutation? thats usually what happens after mass experimental vaccinations. Seek the truth in every situation. Truth and love are the only things that can save the life of an individual and a nation.

Yesterday in downtown Toronto, students organized a mass protest and forced a road closure and snarled traffic. Theyre planning a province wide string of protests across various cities to draw attention to tuition fee hikes and poverty. I couldnt help myself I really was so happy to hear about it.

Their campaign spoke about the rising costs of tuition and student loan debt in Ontario with a large number of students owing OSAP upwards of 40 grand or more for a four year degree. And many upon graduating cannot find employment. This higher education that was supposed to afford them a decent job,instead leaves  students in dire poverty and debt owed to the government.  They also advocated to reform EI and social assistance and to increase wages to a liveable amount.

I was downright saddened and outraged to see the comments in the CBC forum unfold. These same opinions can be found on almost any news media article posted online whenever the subject of ending poverty is raised. Here is just a sample of a few:

“Another march for entitlement.Doesn’t anybody work for anything anymore or do they just want the government to look after them all?”

“Some people calling for affordable housing have no knowledge of what affordable means, as the only thing they want to save up towards is the next drug fix.”

“Here’s a thought! Why don’t they spend more on food and tuition and less on drugs and booze.”

Unfortunately, these comments represent a great deal of people who live in Ontario. I was deeply offended by the inflammatory and discriminatory remarks about students and those living in poverty. The poor are just so easy to label and kick around. It was disheartening to say the very least. The jist of the whole discussion was that Ontario taxpayers want nothing to do with strengthening our social safety net and helping those in need.

Many of the commenters bragged that they had worked all of their lives and took no handouts from anyone. They believed that people are either lazy or addicted to drugs and that students havent earned the experience in order to speak out on political issues that directly affect their lives. It was all very arrogant if you ask me.

So I thought I’d post a blog and tell you about two people I know who are struggling in poverty right now.  A close friend of mine has been homeless since August. She has one son and is pregnant with a second and has recently escaped from an abusive relationship. She has zero social support and only 857 a month to live on from Ontario Works. Everytime she tries to rent a place, she either cant afford the deposit or cant get past the discrimination of being on assistance. She is relying on the kindness of friends and strangers and knows that if the CAS gets involved, they will remove her children on the basis of neglect. Your tax dollars would pay 2000 dollars plus a month to make this happen.

Another single mom I know, has 5 kids. She was laid off last year from the automotive manufacturing industry like so many others. Good ole Dalton McGuinty promised millions in re training funding to help those affected get into another industry. She spent several weeks to months fighting with EI to pay for a course that would train her as medical personnel. They wanted her to attend public college over 3 years. She found a course that would certify her in 6 months. She has 5 kids to support and could not support her family on OSAP loans while studying for 3 yrs. They finally gave in and granted permission. She graduated the course recently but still has not found a job. She lives in one of the hardest hit regions for joblessness.

She turned to welfare to help pay her mortgage after the EI ran out. Ontario Works told her she wasnt eligible because she was recieving child support. This child support does not even cover her shelter cost. She is walking instead of driving the van because she cant buy gas. She IS eligible for assistance, maybe not the entire amount but the remaining amount and especially drug benefit cards for the kids. Again, the CAS could remove these children on the basis of neglect and earn money monthly for all five children totalling 10 thousand dollars per month.

To the ignorant people promoting hate towards the single mother and the students, the elderly and the poor, I will tell you this. You’re already paying heavy taxes to support large institutions that have to intervene when people become homeless and hungry. It seems to me that reforming social assistance and EI means that these institutions can focus on the work that needs to be done. It is actually cheaper in the long run to give people that little extra in support, than to pay billions to shelters and family court and foster care costs, that inevitable destroy families and render a mother even less employable and her children umemployable in the future.

Do they think that they will never get sick or lose a job? Do they think that poverty is a choice?  I’ve taken to reading comment forums less now. I cant believe how many people support the demise of fellow citizens in need. The safety net is there to help anyone who needs it in their time of need. It’s not about entitlement. And it’s not about getting a drug fix. it’s about giving people a hand up not a kick down. No one is immune to poverty.

When we make a small investment into our citizens the result isnt a welfare state. The results are families who stay together and teach our children life skills that they need to one day support themselves. Increased support means enabling women like my friends to acquire the basic necessities so that they can get out into the workforce and support their families. It isnt a socialist ideal, it’s a humane ideal. The safety net is a Canadian value.

No one made it in this world on their own and without support. People are not numbers. If we reformed the social welfare system, the double dipping of your tax dollars stops. it means children who are abused go into a system that isnt over burdened, it means everyone is getting the right help they should be recieving. it all needs to be cleaned up and organized. It’s too bad that these invincible voters don’t support this. I dare them to live just a month on welfare. Their harsh opinions would change and they would have a greater understanding of what it means to support a child on less than 8 thousand dollars a year.

My life at the moment resembles the movie a series of unfortunate events. No joke, between the apartment situation, my health and the worry over raising the soon to be teenager, I’m really praying for good news. I hadnt realized how lucky I truly was to have safe,clean and affordable housing for the past 12 years. This is the second time in a year, that i’ve had to do a serious apartment hunt. You wont believe what they are charging for some dumps these days.

I don’t like moving around (even though I am part gypsy from my fathers side). I swear, they move every 6 months to a year. Instead of dealing with the problems on the inside, they just change the scenery. Once they’ve been at a place for awhile, they start to feeling rotten again. And so they set about to finding a better place, which they swear will be the solution to all of their problems. I learned alot about moving around while growing up in a transient family and being a foster kid. It sucks. And no matter where you go, there you’ll be. There is something to be said for having a real home. That’s why I like to plant my roots and stay put.

As for my health issues, I am in the process of being tested for a wide range of things, everything from ovarian cancer to parasites and viruses. The next two weeks will be filled with poking and prodding and I’ve already had one miscommunication with the doctor thus far. I return tomorrow for another examination.

The real kicker this past few weeks was an assignment the kidlet brought home from school. She is working on an autobiography that is supposed to have detailed chapters along with photos. She’s made herself a snazzy scrapbook and is all about decorating it. We butted heads over the written parts. Turned out, that she needed more information about when she was in pre school. We had plenty of photos, but not a lot of great stories. It pained us both to think back to this time in our lives. This was the most traumatic time for us both. She had trouble remembering some stuff and I had trouble relating stories for her assignment.

I’m going through a rough patch right now and I am hella itchy. I’m not sure if the bedbugs have entered our unit as of yet, but the rash on my back speaks otherwise. Thank the lucky stars the kidlet seems to be rash free.  We will inevitably have to find an affordable, safe place to live and walk out of here with only our essentials. Taking any of the beds, couches or furniture means moving will all be for not.

I’m super emotional but holding on to hope. I am grateful I have the money saved up to move. I’m grateful my daughter goes to a wonderful school. I just hope that every bump and turn leads us to where we are meant to be. I find my faith being tested. Hopefully this will be our last stop and we will finally be able to get settled again. I’m praying for better days real soon.

The post office was downright wacky today. I mailed off em’s birthday package but all in all for a Monday this week isn’t starting off so hot. There was a long line up with only a clerk and a most disgruntled supervisor. People were coughing all over the place without bothering to cover their mouths and some poor guy’s cards were all declined. It gave a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘going postal’.

I had to buy the box and the tape and asked for scissors to cut said tape and was quite rudely told to purchase some, they weren’t the god damn tape and scissor people.The supervisor started yelling at a customer on the phone and abruptly said, “You think I’m being rude? Here’s Rude!” and hung up. All of this chaos was going on around me while I was fumbling with the box trying to put it all together and pry the tape away with my keys. It was all so, excruciating.

I should never have opened my mail box because the hydro company decided that even though I moved out of the townhouse and paid the bill in full two months ago, along with them keeping my 300 dollar deposit, that I owe them another 150 dollars for the remaining 2 weeks. To top everything else off, I found out my building is infested with bed bugs. Turns out theyve had them for three years and have no money in the co-op’s budget to perform simple repairs or pest control. Brand new beds and furniture are being thrown out front daily.

Church on sunday wasnt any better. The best support or advice I got from that place was a lecture on how I havent put my full trust in Jesus and that I worry too much. I long to have a real conversation with someone who isnt trying to push a message. I long to have genuine communication that entails an exchange of both listening and talking.

Usually around this time of year, I grow quite sad. Time is a bitch to a first mother. It’s a curse of sorts, where you grieve for the years lost yet simultaneously hope that the years pass. Because until that magic age of 18, all you can do is send gift packages and cards and hope they dont get tossed in the garbage. This year I’m not sad. I’m coping well. Mostly, well I’m just pissed.

I’m no longer crying and yearning, I’m just downright angry at a whole lot of stuff right now. This is one single mother who is tired of the same old corporate scams and adoption kool aid. I feel like I was duped by the co-op  and I think the person I’m most angry at is myself.

My new mission is to find a safe and affordable apartment that only has the regular type of bugs. My kid is in a great school and if they find out we arent in the area they’ll give her the boot. I cant afford to live in the distict (I live on the border) so we’ll just have to keep our new address our best kept secret. So far, I am going to an open house in Cabbagetown sometime in November. I have been on a waiting list to get into a flat in the area but there are 82 ppl ahead of me. This is another co-op close by, rent a little higher.

Everything else in my world continues to go well. I’m just gutted at the moment because of having to move. I dont like uprooting my family but given the bug situation there is little choice. I havent started a full on search, but I’m keeping my eyes and ears open in hopes of finding something better. I can afford to move and to buy new bedding and upholstery. It’s just a real shitter right now.

Em turns 10 this year. I sent her a necklace with a heart locket, a beautifully crafted clay box with a gold moon on it, framed photos of her sister and I, and threw in the regular goodies like a cute stuffed dolphin and tinkerbell stuff. If the Universe is testing me for patience, I am passing with flying colors!

I’ve been sleeping on the couch lately and it’s not doing wonders for my back. I can’t seem to settle into my new bedroom. I need the hum of the television on to soothe me to sleep. I do have a dvd player in my room but I usually get immersed in the movie and dont fall asleep. My apartment is really old so the only way to get cable in there is to run an annoyingly long cord to the end of the unit.

The other thing that creeps me out is the lack of sound proofing. My next door neighbour is on a oxygen machine and you can hear him coughing like he was right there in the room with you. Then the machine turns on and its a bit loud. In my last townhouse, my next door neighbor snored rather loudly right through my wall. It kept me up for a few months but then strangely the even and regular sounds started to put me to sleep. I would joke with her and say, “You havent been getting sleep and so I’m not getting sleep. Start snoring already!”

I wish I could say this apartment was growing on me but it isnt. It’s taking me a lot longer to adjust. I just dont feel at home yet. Everything else in my life is going very well, but I’m a homebody and I absolutely need peace and comfort within my own walls.  I think I have been searching for that at home feeling most of my life. A place to belong. Where you can be yourself and let your guard down. Still I have more blessings to count then most women in my shoes. I’m gonna be a couch dweller for awhile. There’s a spa with my name all over it.

I started blogging for an amazing website called The Mantle. I hope you’ll check it out and join in the discussion. I should be starting a part time job soon as a community researcher and facilitator. It’s part of a research study to help change social assistance in Ontario. My volunteer work with the street mission hasnt yet begun. All in all, things have turned out rather nicely. I seemed to have found a balance. I have enough time to recover from my couch sleeping and take care of my daughter, while still being able to participate in projects that I’m passionate about. I honestly can’t complain. Well, besides the woman stuff, I can’t! Can someone pass me the coffee and advil??!

Once a year, Ontario Children’s Aid Societies make a desperate plea for more funding to the public. Theyre featured in all of the local and national newspapers and all over network news. ‘Give us the money or else the children will suffer’. What really irks me about these misleading headlines, is that they effectively control all information and vital statistics about foster care and the many ’services’ they claim to provide.

The public doesnt know much about the CAS except what they hear on the news or from a friend who may or may not have had a positive experience with them. In fact much of what the CAS does is done in secret. Citing confidentiality and the best interests of the child, rarely will you ever be given an opportunity to see how they spend their funding, how children are faring inside their system and how much corruption and abuse of power really goes on. I think if the public knew, they would be outraged.

As a survivor of this system, I can tell you first hand that yes there are many well meaning and caring staff over at CAS. Unfortunately, they are not the ones in control. They are good people under strict gag orders and agency policies that forbid them from ever doing more than giving a foster kid or foster parent a listening ear. To speak out, means losing their job.

The Ombudsman of Ontario continues to recieve hundreds of complaints from across the province about CAS yet he is forbidden to investigate. The Auditor General of Ontario publicized a report back in 2006 about the gross mis spending and mismanaged cases. These headlines rarely get any attention. So if you’ve ever wondered how child welfare agencies in Ontario really operate you’re in for a real eye opener.

Child welfare in Ontario is heavily funded to the tune of 1.4 billion.

Most of the funding goes to executives, middle management, legal teams, contruction of multi million dollar offices and SUV’s and cars for the workers. They provide handsome employment packages far exceeding what most average Canadians make.

The average social worker at CAS, has a 2 year college diploma that allows them to register with the Ontario College of Social Workers. The burn out rate is high and most front line workers are young, have no children of their own and lean on the experience and guidelines from a  supervisor and computer system. This computer system is a point system. Dirty dishes in the sink? Dust in the corner or didnt take your garbage out? Did you disagree with your worker? Oooo you’re a bad parent and will rack up points. Too many points and your kid is yanked.

Lowering the definitions and threshold for abuse. New legislation effectively gave free reign to the CAS. Emotional abuse is a serious problem within families and can often be very damaging. But the defintions are so vague and improperly utilized, that almost every child in Ontario could qualify as needing protection at some point during their childhood. Lowering the standard means more kids flooding the system, more parents losing everything to save them and an unending cycle of abuse by the system.

Quotas. Every child apprehended is worth 2 grand per month or 70 dollars a day. If the child has special needs, this amount grows expodentially. When budgets are low, more kids need to come into the system. Babies and adoption bring in the most money. They can hold babies for a certain amount of time and earn the bounty and then adopt them out earning bonuses and adoption fees.

80 percent of foster kids who grow up in the system do not graduate from high school. They are more likely to end up homeless, on welfare, in jail and are three times more likely to lose their own children to the same system. (Gotta keep that bounty coming)

Lawyers, legal teams, psychiatrists and other agencies all collect from the same gravy train. Tax payers end up paying millions for expert witnesses and court remands. Experts paid by CAS who testify for the CAS. Theyre professional fortune tellers. Better to be safe than sorry. We’re keeping your kids indefinitely, where they will experience transience, multiple care givers and the cold hard streets by the time they reach 18. If you’re lucky, they might not experience abuse by any one of the many strangers they come into contact with. Once a final order has been made, even wrongfully, there is no legal recourse available.

Real child abuse? Well there’s a long list of victims, Baby Jordan, Randy Dooely and Jeffrey Baldwin to name a few. All had child welfare involvement and in each case they failed to do their job. They had the legislation backing them, ample funding and a big enough staff to save each of these childrens lives. Too bad they were so busy interfering in the lives of poor people to realize child abuse when it was right there in their face. To date, more than fifty kids have died inside the system. The Goudge Inquiry suggests there are more victims and very little accountability within the child welfare system. Between the scandal with Dr Charles Smith and the Pediatric Coroner’s Report, we may never know how many have died because of the cover up.

This is only the short list of what are extreme human rights violations perpetrated by our own government and with our own tax dollars. I for one want the CAS to be more transparent, to be held accountable for their grievous actions and want real cases of child abuse addressed. They should not be the gate keeper for services for families with special needs. And as for services, you read the headlines, unless we continually fund them they will deny parents access to their kids and deny foster kids every kind of privelege they might have.

Please note, that last year, legislation changed again and Ontario law now says that CAS and youth detention homes can now open mail of clients, even if it’s from their lawyers. This move was to protect children and teens from their lawyers in the event of any kind of misconduct. Are you listening to me? Can you hear the cries? Can you see the truth? No one needs more protection and secrecy than the CAS themselves. Once the silence is broken, the healing and justice for its thousands of victims across this province and Canada can begin.

It’s Thanksgiving here in Canada and we decided to celebrate this year with our church. A pot luck was held by a wonderful couple, who have three kids, a cat and a gecko. They’re also teachers as well. It was a lovely meal with all of the trimmings and yummy desserts too. Here in the west, we really truly have a lot to be thankful for.

My pastor had posted a video on facebook about forgiveness. I must admit that after watching it I was left torn in so many ways. I know as a Christian I am obligated to forgive. Jesus was very clear through out the gospels about forgiveness and His life and death/resurrection itself is the centre point and pinnacle of the Christian faith. So I challenged my pastor and asked him, what does it really mean to forgive? Can we forgive evil? What about on going situations and negative relationships with others?

I have to tell you that his response was less than I had hoped for. First he told me that to forgive meant to not hold the offense against the other person. As in, someone owes you money and doesnt pay, you let it go and dont hold them to the payment. And as to how many times to forgive a person he quoted the famous passage in the bible when Jesus said “70 times 7″. I literally said to him but what if I’ve already hit that number? The room erupted into laughter and said it wasn’t an exact number but that it was the spirit of forgiving endlessly.The pastor went on to tell us that forgiveness is not optional and a person cannot recover without doing so.

I immediately thought about the NY Times Coloumnist who was murdered and how his pregnant widow (who now has a son) chose to forgive. Wow. How did she do it? Are some things easier to forgive than others?  Unfortunately, he did not sufficiently answer my questions. While I wholeheartedly embrace the cross and the sacrifice Jesus made so we could enjoy a right relationship with God and others, and I do want to forgive, at this point in my life, I’m not there yet. I told him that I’ve forgiven people in the past and it really didnt make a lick of difference in my recovery.

My parents were easiest to forgive because once I became a parent I sort of understood how traumatic pasts can make parenting almost impossible. I dont hold the neglect and abandonment against them. But to forgive the people who molested me, beat me, raped me, to forgive a faceless government system, to forgive the deliberate act of losing a child, nope I am so not there. And when I think about it, I dont see how not holding it against them changes my life in any way. I don’t think anyone can really map out and detail the actual process of healing.

The only real point I managed to make in the conversation was that there are some things that just go beyond the human heart. I remain open to forgiveness for both myself and others but that really it is a work that God does in our hearts. It’s a process.  I believe that by practicing forgiveness we can lead our lives emotionally free of anger and bittterness. I try to forgive in my every day life as much as humanly possible.

I may never in this lifetime be able to forgive some of the more truly sinister things I’ve endured. The most I can do is to not wish harm against those who’ve harmed me. I can pray for them. But I don’t have the words I forgive you right now.Does this mean I’ll never recover?  Clearly, there could be world peace if everyone embraced forgivness. But what happens after you’ve forgiven and they do it to you all over again? Six years at this church and some days I still feel we are complete strangers. Still, it’s the only church I would ever consider going to.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone reading this. From all that I have experienced in my life, I know one thing that’s damn straight. I’m grateful. Even on our worst days, we still are truly blessed. Today I am reminded of the scripture from Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  This is where I choose to start from. I trust in God to work out the rest.

“Sorry, I never told you, all that I wanted to say. Now it’s too late to hold you, cause you’ve flown away.”

Mariah Carey

I think the Universe is trying to teach me a lesson. All of the plans I had made have all sort of disintegrated leaving me to wonder, what will I do with my time? The obvious answer is staring me in the face but I really don’t want to see it. I know the big lesson is self care. Living with ptsd means that I suffer from exhaustion much of the time. I have to be conginzant of my energy levels and pay special care to what drains me. It’s about learning to listen to what my body is telling me and following through with the healing.

But I am all about my ego it seems. I need to be ‘doing’ something. I feel I need to justify my existence. And I detest the labels. What do I tell others about what I do? I mean that’s the first question anyone asks. And of course as soon as it’s answered people have a fixed image in their mind. I’m a single mum on disability. Yeah. Doesn’t make for a good impression. More importantly, it is my own opinion of where I think I should be at the ripe ole age of 33 and learning to love myself for who I really am. All in all, it’s pretty menacing most days. I’m struggling with not wanting to be so stuck in the past. That even though I have challenges in my life, I know there is a lot I can give to the world.

My creative writing course was cancelled and the volunteer work will take some time to sort through the application process. I started a new blog and am hoping to do it professionally. But deep inside I still feel like I havent found my purpose. I’ve decided that instead of trying to make things happen and control everything, I’ll just keep casting out my net and see what I catch. I figure it will all sort of come together somehow. I’m frustrated that insomnia and eating problems continue to plague me. It’s a day to day thing and I have to be really careful. I’m not as strong as I look.

My daughter’s adoptive mom recently got in touch and had the gall to actually complain about my daughter. In not so many words she said that my daughter had a ’smart mouth’. I literally shut down for a few days. At first I was excited to hear any news of her and secretly a little proud. She has been kept from her natural family and forced to assimilate into a demented one. I can’t say I blame her for being extra chatty and hard to deal with. It’s an attachment issue and the adoptress just isnt educated about that at all.

The relief subsided and then I grew extremely sad. Eight long years have passed and beyond a few random photos and one miracolous phone call, I have been cut off and left completely in the dark. Then the rage came. And it took all of my effort not to get on a train and confront this woman. In the end, I came to some pretty awful realizations.

I have been cut out of her life since she was almost 2. She probably thinks on a deep level I dumped her off when nothing could be further from the truth. I’m a mysterious stranger and have no relationship with her. Only the one I carry in my heart. I feel as if my hands are tied and there is little I can do to help my daughter. So I went out and bought a mother’s journal. I am going to try to write to her in it as much as I can. At this point all I can do is stare at it. The flood gates arent yet open. I’m afraid there is so much intense emotions and so much time has passed, nothing I write will make sense. I hope in time I will garner up the courage to really write to her.

On another shitty note, today is the anniversary of my best friend’s death. He was my closest friend and is also the father of my first born daughter. Thirteen years ago today, he died suddenly of a heart attack. I was 5 mos pregnant and recieving an award that night. I’m amazed at how fast the time goes and how much I really miss him. I know he is looking down on us and sending us love. He gave me the most precious gift I could ever imagine. I honor his memory by giving our daughter the best life possible. Some days it is really hard to choose hope over despair. Through my tears I still am humbled and grateful for all I have. I am planning on asking my grandfather to fashion a headstone for his grave and at some point take my daughter there. Through all of this grief, I want to celebrate life with love and hope.I want to be fully present for that one sweet day when all who are lost to me will finally be reunited.

Since deciding not to go to college full time I needed to find something to get involved in. I scoured on the internet looking at volunteer postings and nothing really tickled my fancy. I applied to a local womens centre but never recieved a reply. And I happened to be at church last night when the youth pastor told me he could use volunteers at the street outreach program downtown. I’m not sure he ever took me seriously but I bit the bullet and spent the day there today.

I walked through the doors as an adult and it was eerily strange to say the least. We started laughing and joking and I tried to count the years back to the time when I was a homeless teen. 17 years ago. Almost a lifetime. The drop in centre has gone through immense change. It’s no longer just a dingy old drop in with bible thumpin jesus freaks. It’s become a major facility and a beautiful one at that. They’ve expanded their services to provide everything from childcare, to art space, a health and dental cente and job centre. Hot food is served every day and they’ve hired case workers, counsellors and staff to counsel and help youth. Wow!! It’s a far cry from what it used to be.

I got the chance to meet all of the staff and have a tour. I stayed for the drop in and was able to talk to some youth and help with the art program. It was all pretty out of character for me. Today’s street youth are much more diverse coming from all sorts of backgrounds and situations. They also seem much more complex. They seem more weighed down by the pressures of life and it’s easy to see why they chose gangs and the streets over trying to re integrate.

They have my resume and were pretty impressed. There was some talk about how I would be perfect for the administrator position. Instead of asking me where I graduated from, they seemed more impressed with my background. They said my story was important, that I could offer the youth something a lot of counsellors couldnt. A shared common experience. To be honest I never really thought of myself as a mentor.

I think what broke my heart the most was hearing about the young parents plight. There were pregnant teens and young women and some had lost their children and some had to have abortions. It seemed so wrong. That the rest of the world would look upon these teens as worthless and all I could see was their strength of spirit and countless gifts and talents. Of course there was some wiseguys and trouble makers too and I guess that goes with the gig.

The space for the art program was quite nice. I actually painted for the first time on canvas and enjoyed the afternoon listening to a young man play the piano. It was so peaceful. The food wasnt half bad either. I told the staff that I had the time to volunteer or work, whichever didnt matter. So they will be letting me know where I might fit best. I am so grateful for today. It really touched me in places I had forgotten.