Finding Erykah

So I’m in the middle of writing my second novel. I took a trip recently down memory lane and it was quite an experience. Just a few days before, I was discussing my progress with a close friend. I was feeling kind of stuck and unable to see any successes, He pointed out that given my life history, I really had grown and changed quite a bit. I was in denial, but that walk down memory lane really opened my eyes to many things I hadnt really realized.

Walking down those old streets it hit me immediately. I guess that is what happens when you visit parts of your past. You can’t help but see your growth. I had a lovely evening with an old friend, and my writers  block finally came to an end. I came home with a wealth of new ideas and inspiration. I even figured out the plot and new plot twists. I’m proud that I found some direction with my latest project. I’m also working on another novel on the side, a love story, which I hope will turn out to be epic.

Like most women, I am far too hard on myself. I tend to see my mistakes in full view but my milestones hardly at all. It’s difficult to pursue writing as your life path. It is like baring your soul for all to see, sort of like those bad dreams where you find yourself naked in class. There is also a perfectionist inside of me, that wants every sentence and passage to be beautiful. I’m not sure if I really am an author. I feel more like a storyteller. Writing something of value is an art form and a gift. My counsellor called my work, ‘biblio – therapy’. I would say my first novel certainly was. But this time, although it does take me back and make me consider certain issues, my goals are more based on a creative story that has a very powerful message.

Another big chunk of my life is still focused on self care. It centers around the idea of learning to cope in healthy ways, that even when there is a rain storm, I can still find some positive feelings and moments in spite of this. Raising a teen has it challenges, parenting is an on going learning curve for me. I’m just really lucky and grateful for the support I have in my life. I’m always reminding myself, that life isnt perfect and neatly packaged. That even in the midst of everything we are going through, there is still time to have fun, love yourself and be kind to others.

There’s a wonderful website for young mothers called the Young Mommy Life. It’s aim is to provide content geared for 20 something moms, because there doesnt seem to be a forum or market for us. I’ve been a fan of the website since 2009, and enjoyed many of the blogs and issues discussed.

I had the honor of writing a guest post and it’s available here. You can go take a read and make sure to like her page on facebook. Be sure to pass on the link to your yummy mummy’s.  It’s a refreshing look into our lifestyles  and always a great read.

Peace & Love

“You are the Michelangelo of your own life. The David you  are sculpting is you”

       -   Dr Joe Vitale

If you’re a young single mom, it’s pretty much expected of you, to get your ass out there, get an education or a job. Shame to the mommy who wants to stay home, shame to her if she expects society to support her for her ‘mistakes’. Generally in north america we are obsessed with status, achievements, and climbing the socio-ecnomic ladder. I have personally felt the shame and the immense pressures to BE more, to EARN more, and to climb.

While there’s nothing wrong with pursuing your dreams, and wanting a decent income for your family, I think people have missed the boat somewhere in all of this. Lately, I’ve given a lot of thought to this pressure. I’ve had so many false starts, hits and misses, trying to figure out what to do with my life. It’s caused a great deal of heart ache and pains.

When I throw away the labels, the bad advice and the shame and allow myself to just be in the moment, and really be myself, the path way forward begins to emerge. I accept that I have had a very different life experience then most other people. I give up trying to feel accepted, to belong and to try to fashion myself into what society thinks I should be.

Lately I’ve been focusing on trying new things. Without any time constraints, or five year plan, I make an effort to get out of my little world and talk to people. Connecting with others, connecting with nature, enjoying things that are really very simple. I’ve spent most of my life surviving, struggling to be the best mother, trying to make the best home, that it was easy to lose myself in all of it. I’ve found out that it isnt really all that complicated. There are baby steps to be taken, it’s all very basic and simple.

I’m taking cooking classes and learning to make meals from different cultures. I’m taking long walks down by the lake, I’m starting to learn tai chi. If I’m ever to find my authentic self and my true passions and joys, it starts with having the courage to do it all differently. Exploring, connecting, experiencing new things. What good is having a fancy  degree or money, if you havent learned how to live or know yourself? I might be taking the long way, but I’m starting to see that growth happens when you change your mind set, throw away the labels and learn how to make the most of right now.

I haven’t  been doing much writing lately, most of my time these days has been devoted to my daughter and my health and well being. Recovery, I have discovered, is not a straight line, it has its peaks and valleys. I’m glad for the valleys because that is where I learn and grow the most. My faith has been strengthened and with every challenge I have been taking in and soaking up the lessons I need to grow.  My experiences as of late have been an incredible odyssey.

My birthday passed over the summer and for some reason this year it hit me rather hard. It caused me to take stock of my life, where I’ve been and more importantly, where I am going. It left me feeling really discouraged but most of all scared. Since becoming a young mum, my focus has always been on my daughter, so much so that I almost forgot myself. As she is getting older, I am getting more and more time to really think about, for the first time, what do I want for my life?

At this new stage in my life, I finally have the time to explore new things. Try new activities and hobbies. Figure out what I like and dislike, fall in love  or fall in hate. My recovery from the past has ultimately brought me to a scary new place, but one worth looking forward to. I may have technically done everything ass backwards, but for me life just keeps getting sweeter and sweeter.

I happened to be sitting in a parking lot, chatting and smoking, when out of no where, a monarch butterfly flew toward me. At first I was afraid but then relaxed and the butterfly actually landed on my shoulder and stayed there for a few seconds and then flew off. Everyone around me said it was a good omen and a beautiful sign. The next thing I knew, a yellow bee came buzzing around. Scared that it might sting me, I crushed it, taking its life. I felt badly after doing this but then took a step back. It was like a metaphor for my life.

I have no idea where this journey will take me but I owe it to myself to embark on  a new adventure. Last week, we lost another great warrior, who was only just 32. She had climbed up a huge mountain, endured so much and yet managed to touch others and inspire real social change. I know how easily, she could have been me. In the past decade, I have seen far too many suicides by beautiful women who were great mothers. In memory of them, I will keep lighting my way through the dark.

I’m moving forward. And even though most people would look at my life and say it wasnt much, I will say that most of my hard work, the soul work that one needs to thrive, is done in private and on the inside. I wouldnt trade my journey for the world. I plan to live MY dream and see what adventures I will have along the way. At this point, I only feel extremely grateful for the wonderful support I have, and for the grace that continues to bless me. I hope I will learn to appreciate the simple beauty of the bees and not be so afraid of the actual and proverbial sting. I’m excited to see who, where, what and how my authentic self and senses will take me.

There’s been so much happening lately I’ve barely had time to catch my breath. I’ve gone on some very cool day trips, attended to the errands and whatnot and generally been soaking up this nice weather. I got a membership for my daughter and I at the local YMCA. I’m probably the last person to join any kind of organized gym or recreation centre but I surprised myself and wanted to try something new. I also didn’t want my teen-aged offspring roaming the streets of our town being a hooligan this summer.

I felt green and like a giant nerd, trying to keep up with the steps in my fitness class but I’ve stuck with it. What’s even more unlike me, is that it’s held on a monday morning. Anyone who knows me, knows I don’t do mondays and I dont do mornings. I guess I really am growing and getting better. I fell in love with aqua t fit class, I don’t  even mind sporting my new two piece black bathing suit. I’ve got a great workout schedule and I’m really noticing the benefits.

I feel like I’ve had some really great breakthroughs and also stumbled a bit. My thoughts have been focused on the things I am learning. What’s stood out for me is the concept of living every day life with purpose. So much of the things we do and say are done in jest, often automatically and without real thought,that a whole result of things end up happening and not always pleasant. I want to live life from the centre, where I feel whole, instead of reacting all of the time. When I live from that place, my daily life has been getting so much sweeter.

I have to keep reminding myself to have faith. I have to live my life on purpose. Things may never be perfect but I’m letting go, taking a step back and do the soul work I need to do. I’ve come so far but I still have so far to go.  I’m learning to enjoy my every day life. And when the storms come I am dancing in the rain. ( I dance a lot when I’m happy) I can’t believe I am now the mother of a high schooler and reached a new age bracket. I’m gonna need a whole nother blog post for that!

I’ve always considered myself to be a hip and cool mommy, since I became a mother at the tender age of 20. I’m quick to tell other people that I made this choice because I thought I would have more energy, be more in tune with the next generation and not suffer from empty nest syndrome because 40 is the new 20. However I’ve discovered as of late that all of these things go straight out the window when you’re the parent of a teenager. It doesnt matter how young or old you are, you will still be seen as ‘so old’ and ‘so dumb’.

In fact even though I prided myself on this young thing, it’s been well over a decade since I was a teenybopper. I had forgotten all about the arrival of hormones, the attitude which includes rolling of the eyes and other such gestures and of course their ever expanding opinions and vocabulary. I must be doing my job right because these are all things occurring at my house. Every new stage my daughter enters, is a brand new stage for me. It’s challenging and amazing with many shades in between.

I’m proud to say she is on the honour roll at school and is being published in a teen anthology book in early june. She plays team sports and is well liked by her peers and teachers. I can hardly believe that in just a few months from now, it will be summer and then she will be starting highschool. I’m really starting to feel old! It hasnt always been easy raising a child as a single parent, but man when these milestones happen and good things are going on, I can’t help but share and celebrate. I realize that I am ‘uncool’ and not every day is peachy keen. Having two headstrong women in the house makes for some very interesting situations. As a mom of a teen, I often forget how tough those years can be at times, and that what we see on the outside is not necessarily what’s going on in the inside. We all carry scars that can be seen by no one, which is why we need to be kinder to ourselves and others.

I’ve begun to do some volunteer work at a local womens centre. It’s a wonderful place with so many awesome women. I was lucky enough to find a place in my community where I can help other women and also gain some new skills. I havent done peer counselling in years and I’m learning the ropes. It was so refreshing to be appreciated not only for my resume but also my extensive life experiences. When women at the centre ask me why I look so calm the answer is simple. I tell them that the scars that have caused the most damage are the ones you cannot see.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late, or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you’ve never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
 
Benjamin Button, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I saw this posted on a friend’s facebook page. I found it to be very inspirational. With new apps like status shuffle and generatus, I’ve seen and read a great many quotes, so many that they were beginning to become more and more meaningless. But this quote really caught my attention and pulled on my heart strings.

I feel like an old woman trapped in this thirty-something body some days. I’m like a cat with nine lives and I think I might be on life number seven. This quote reminds me that every day is a marvellous blank canvas just waiting to come to life. With life’s paint brush and soul’s destiny, there’s bound to be much to discover.

The best reason to write and journal about your life is because it gives us a chance to gain some real perspective. I’ve been journalling since I was a pre teen and probably will for the rest of my life. I like to look back at the emotional places I have been to. You can see your head space, thinking and patterns over time. I think this information is very valuable on my healing journey.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I am keen on being self aware and always keeping my eyes open by learning from my mistakes and growing in the moment. I’m no where near where I want to be, old habits die hard. But these days I’m definitely going through a process of some sort. I can feel the growing pains. There’s a lot of hard work ahead of me and I am not where I want to be. My silver lining is that I’m not where I used to be. So I decided to write myself a letter from the future to give myself encouragement and explore my hopes and goals.  Here it is..

Dear Erykah

I am sitting on a large white verendah of my summer home, by the beach as I am writing this. Right now it feels as though I have never felt any real pain in my life. I feel as light as the clouds floating through the sky. But the truth is, your life has been a struggle from the moment you were born. Luckily you had the blessing of God on your life. Every trauma, every violation, every grief and moment that was taken from you was not taken in vain. He gave you strength for your journey and you are a good, strong woman.

God took every vile and awful moment of your life and turned it into a purpose and a plan for your life. Because of what you suffered and how many different life experiences you have had, most people can find a piece of themselves in your journey.  With your gift of writing and speaking, you will reach people all over the world and bring them hope. You will recieve divine healing by facing your demons as you write your novels.

Don’t worry that you werent a good enough mother. You raised a courageous daughter, who has become an intelligent and gifted woman in her own right. She tells me that things werent  perfect and that we had challenges but mostly she remembers all of the laughter and some classic lectures. It’s funny how the mind collects experiences. We just never fully know our affect on others. She is a talented artist and has a rich and full life. You told her if she worked hard she could be anything she wanted to be and so she is a wonderful soul who has a wide variety of interests  and activities.

You’ve had to be brave and you’ve spent many nights fearing the worst because life had shown to you to always be on guard. You went through so many obstacles that you began to think that was all life was. But everything had to be stripped away, so that you could build your physical, emotional and spirtual foundation in solid and fertile soil. Slowly but surely you started to change but not so much that you could feel it every day. You started with the basics, the basic instincts that have sustained you through life so you could survive. You fought dearly for it. You took your best marketable skill and wrote a best selling novel.

With money your life began to change but you never lost your faith. Gaining money or notoriety was never your goal, it was always about making an honest living and wanting to touch people’s lives. The career in writing, though painstaking, was always about healing. With money came resources and with resources came more positive energy and people into your life. I am now surrounded by good friends and colleagues, and I love spending my weekends eating food and carrying on being ridicolously silly and happy. Instead of waking up with dread each morning I now wake up with hope. I’m actually excited about my days because now I can pursue my life’s passion: love. Love for God, love for myself and love for others.

I want to tell you that your deepest desires and dreams came true. I’m writing this love letter to you because I know you need comfort and kind words right now. Your worst fears will not come to pass and even though you feel alone right now, soon you will experience so much joy and love that for the first time in your life you will finally be able to recieve it. Don’t give up on your plans or dreams. You’re understandably tired of having to be strong and some days you dont think about your future. I’m writing this to remind you, that you are a special woman, with flaws and though youre not perfect, you have many beautiful qualities.

Since you’re a hopeless romantic I will tell you a little bit about your future. I married my soul mate. I was blessed to be able to marry the only man I’ve truly loved.  We are very different from each other but it is very complimentary. We both love to travel. It’s hard to believe that I was so alone in life for so many years because now, we have a wide circle of relatives, friends and loved ones. I thought you would like to know that through it all, God heard every single prayer. And we can thank Him also for not always answering them.

Keep writing and be kind to yourself. You’ve been through a lot and writing takes a toll some days. Just know that with every arduous step, you are walking out of darkness and into the light. You are taking the power away from old wounds and evil people. You are building a foundation in your life that can withstand a great deal. Though you feel lost in the wilderness you’re actually right where youre supposed to be. Your whole life up until now has seemed like a series of set backs. Yet these life experiences have helped you become the person you were meant to be.What you will gain from pursuing your dream is an unshakeable faith and enough grace to last you through all seasons.

All of My Love,

Erykah

 I like to go shopping in the thrift store, I always find rare treasures, nice clothes and trinkets and knick nacks. I usually say a prayer before I go in and ask that I get to see what I really need or should be looking for. Today I found a really nice jacket, two shirts, a blue sun & moon jewelery box for my daughter and two best selling books. I bought eat pray and love and I bought a copy of Paulo Coehlo’s The Alchemist and inside the cover was a handwritten quote. I believe in what Paulo Coehlo says about following your dreams. So it was no accident I came across these words that I think we all could use reminding once and again.

“True friends reveals itself in time – not only in the sense of time spent together getting to know one another, but in the sense that it is through the ravages as well as the easier times in life that we come to see, as they say, “Who are our friends..”

 We live in a time when people collect friends like we collect clothes – different types for different moods, seasonal and disposable. Friends should be like classics, having nothing to do with this season’s trends or appetites or designs. They should be a mainstay of life, personally, but also for the opportunities they provide us to practice the art of a more noble existence..”

I havent written in what seems like ages. 2010 is nearly over and I’m glad to say farewell to it. On the one hand, I was faced with many challenges and upheavels, it was very stressful. But with every wrong turn, mistake and with each step, I managed to come away from it having learned so much. Some lessons I had learned before but needed reminder, other events were disappointing and hard, but ultimately everything was for the best and a big step in my healing journey.

I think trauma and misadventures leave you with two choices. Sink or swim, fight or flight. You can tread water for awhile, but eventually you have to dig down deep and make a choice. I spent a lot of time mourning the loss of relationships, and all of the changes in my life. I was familiar with certain people and certain issues in my life, but in order to keep on growing, I had to let them go. I set up shop in my dark place for awhile, and the darkness can be very familiar too. Deciding to move on is scary and very humbling. And I think once you get to that humbled place, of being grateful, that’s when seeds can be planted and can be watered and grow.

I felt like my whole life was being shaken up and up rooted, and I had to face my demons yet again. But in the end it was all very life affirming, through adversity, I had to choose health and well being, when it came down to it all. Again and again, I chose life and was blessed when I did so.

I dont know what 2011 has in store for me. I am eager to start the new year and take some baby steps out into the world. I can only hope the goodness of the universe will be there to meet me. I’m looking forward to making new connections and spending my time in the sunlight of positivity. I feel like I was given a fresh start, a new chapter and I had to get my head and heart straightened out before I could make any goals or decisions. Living with ptsd means there will always be days where memories come flooding back, simple things can be painful reminders. Thebasic lesson for me is learning to face it, express it and then set it free. Make a new memory. Learn to enjoy every day.

Most of all, this new year is about being the person I am and really want to be. Giving myself opportunities to try new experiences and give to my community, carving out the authentic person inside, slowly putting into action my values and strengths. Fate had a hand over my life, and I feel like an Alanis Morrisette song this year, Thank You. With every heartbreak and with every blessing & saving grace that came my way, there was a purpose to it all.